August 1, 2011

By Amanda

My history with food was a sorted one from the start. My mother always hated cooking and passed that sentiment on to me. She was never taught how to cook and therefore growing up, neither was I. She still frequently forgets to eat when she is too busy and when eating alone will usually opt to skip the meal entirely. All of these things we have in common.

It was not until the middle of my senior year in college that I discovered the potential for problems these habits held. I lived alone and ate alone most nights in a tranquil little studio. I could only work part-time while juggling 18 credit hours and rehearsals, so money was always tight and the time I had to make food was even more scarce. I had taken to skimping at the grocery store as any good college student would, buying very little and only the cheapest food which was inevitably less savory and lasted longer in my kitchen since I wasn’t interested in eating it. I stopped buying meat because it was too expensive and it took too long to cook with anyway. And eventually I stopped eating dinner all together because I found that I had to go grocery shopping less often. Instead of eating dinner, when the hunger pains would hit and my headache would become unbearable, I would go to sleep. When I slept the hunger pains didn’t bother me anymore and when I woke it was time for breakfast.

It must have been close to a month that my practice of not eating dinner consistently went on. Then two things happened. The first was that my cycle did not come when it was supposed to. It was weeks late and I was on the pill so this shouldn’t have been the case. I had lost too much weight to maintain my cycle, I realized later. The second was a show I had happened to see. It was a community-based theatre piece on eating disorders. Sitting in that audience, my stomach aching with hunger and my ever-present headache still looming, I realized I had a problem. It wasn’t due to my self-image but it was showing its effects all the same. I hadn’t gone to that show expecting to learn something about myself, but I left with a promise that I was not going to let this happen again. Thanks to a safety net of friends and my now conscious habit to buy things that I will have time to eat and enjoy eating, this habit seems to have seen its final days. Today most of my paycheck that does not go to rent or loans goes to food, and I am happy to spend my money this way if it means I am excited about what’s for dinner.